remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
