So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
