Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
