My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
