mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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