In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
