Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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