I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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