So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
