You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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