I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
