Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
