i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
