5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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