There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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