I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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