idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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