i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
