Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
