he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
