Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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