Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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