I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
