Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
