How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
