Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
