So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
