I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
there was a trapeze. enough said
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
