Will you blow on my dice?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My balls are so social today.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
