I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
