I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
