I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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