Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Randomize
