you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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