I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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