Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
