I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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