I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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