i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
