Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
