I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
