Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
