i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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