We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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