i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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