I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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