Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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