I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Everyone says I win the strip club
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize