I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
