Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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