Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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