someone threw a dead crab at me
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize