I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
