A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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