I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
