What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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