If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
