I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
True strength comes from lack of pants
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
