Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
