my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
