I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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