I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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